When Anne Howell awoke from a coma, she not only had no recollection of why she was hospitalized, but she had also forgotten the majority of her life’s significant events and individuals.
She did not recognize the man who was identified as her husband or her boyfriend, was unaware she had a daughter, and could not recollect giving birth.
The 30-year-old journalist was oblivious to the fact that she had had a 12-hour, complex brain operation and subsequently acquired meningitis.
A uncommon neurological disease called retrograde amnesia caused her to assume she was a nine-year-old girl.
In a new book titled All That I Forgot, Howell describes her unusual journey and experience with an extreme kind of memory loss, which has been depicted in films such as The Bourne Identity and Memento.
Anne Howell was diagnosed with retrograde amnesia following meningitis and brain surgery. She assumed she was nine years old and was unaware that she had a daughter. When this photograph of Howell and her child was taken, she could not recall giving birth.
Anne Howell’s forgetfulness prevented her from recognizing either her husband or her boyfriend who visited her in the hospital. Eight years after her first brain surgery in 1991, she underwent a second operation to remove a skull plate. These are the scars from that surgical procedure.
Those who suffer from retrograde amnesia typically do not recover sufficiently to be able to narrate their own narrative.
Howell’s amnesia first robbed her of her ability to read and write, making the upcoming publication of her book an even more extraordinary accomplishment.
All That I Forgot is a compelling memoir that reads like a psychological thriller, as described by the book’s publisher.
Beginning in November 1991, when Howell regained consciousness at Sydney’s Royal Prince Alfred Hospital, the narrative chronicles the first three years of her journey.
When Howell awoke in excruciating pain with her head wrapped in bandages, she was unable to identify herself as a person and was unable to recognize her own body parts. Eventually, she reverted to a foggy form of her nine-year-old self.
In a memoir titled All That I Forgot, Howell recounts her amazing experience with retrograde amnesia, a rare neurological disorder depicted in films such as The Bourne Identity. 1987 photograph of her working as a journalist for The Sydney Morning Herald
The author is shown with her newborn baby one day after her delivery. Howell suffered a stroke two days prior to giving birth and was diagnosed with a malformation on the left side of her outer brain that, without surgery, would kill her within five years.
She addressed her mother, whose eyes and voice were familiar but who appeared decades older than Howell recalled, as “Mummy” as if she were a child.
Howell was confused by the dark-skinned guy her mother introduced as her husband, and she was even more perplexed when he brought in their 11-month-old daughter.
I pondered, “How is that possible?” According to Howell, Daily Mail Australia I’m between nine and ten years old.
Another man who arrived to the hospital and passionately kissed her was a more welcome visitor than her partner, but neither Howell nor she knew who he was.
Howell could originally recollect only parts of her upbringing in Mosman, on Sydney’s lower north coast, including ballet and swimming at Balmoral beach.
She explains, “For a time, I felt like a small girl in a woman’s body.”
Howell’s spouse was a mysterious man whom she could not recall marrying. She realized that she was not wearing a wedding ring and that she could not locate any images of their wedding. He is shown with the couple’s daughter.
Some of Howell’s family and friends’ accounts of her life were similarly upsetting, and she began to wonder whether or not she was hearing the whole truth.
She states, “It was this constant adapting to reality.”
Retrograde amnesia
Amnesia is a form of memory loss that impairs a person’s capacity to create, store, and recall memories. Retrograde amnesia impacts memories generated prior to the commencement of the condition. A person with retrograde amnesia caused by a severe brain injury may be unable to recall events that occurred years or even decades prior to the injury.
Retrograde amnesia is induced by injury to the brain regions responsible for memory storage. This damage may be caused by a catastrophic brain injury, a serious sickness, a seizure or stroke, or a degenerative brain disease. Depending on the underlying reason, retrograde amnesia may be transitory, permanent, or progressive.
Typically, with retrograde amnesia, memory loss relates to facts rather than abilities. For instance, a person may forget whether they own a car, what kind it is, and when they purchased it, but they will still be able to drive.
Website: Healthline.com
I had a strong feeling that I had lived a sensible and cohesive life in the past, but this one made no sense.
It was quite confusing. It was like a parallel universe that I could not comprehend; it was eerie, frightening, and gloomy.’
When Howell left the hospital and returned home with her partner and daughter, the question of who she had once been remained unsolved.
She states, “It’s disheartening; it’s a feeling of being disempowered, not having access to your own tale.”
Howell fled from the world, feeling adrift with nothing to tether her and certain of little but the fact that she loved her kid.
“I was expected to know how to parent this child, and I expected the same of myself, so I fumbled along,” she explains.
Howell would come to believe that she and the father of her kid were never really close, since his behavior simply made him appear more distant.
He began arriving home intoxicated in the wee hours of the morning, claiming he was on “business.” Howell realized neither of them wore a wedding band, and she could not locate any wedding photographs.
She says, “I also believe he was in denial and unable to face what was occurring medically to me.”
Prior to her amnesia, Howell claims she did not know this man well enough. She became pregnant within a few months of their introduction by mutual acquaintances.
Howell had migraines during her pregnancy, but doctors were unable to determine the cause.
Two days prior to her delivery, she experienced a stroke.
She states, “People then realized something was off.”
She was then identified with a malformation on the left side of her outer brain that, without surgery, would kill her within five years.
Howell’s mother and father had two marriages and two divorces. Her mother, a Hungarian Jew, survived the Holocaust. Howell’s mother was decades older than she remembered when she awoke from her coma, but her voice was recognizable. Her parents were photographed in 1963.
The couple delayed the procedure until their daughter was 11 months old, and it was successful, but the meningitis she contracted after the surgery threw her into a three-day coma.
She states, “They didn’t think I was going to make it.”
Howell’s ensuing amnesia erased her recent personal history and obliterated the majority of her memories.
She states, “For many decades, I did not recall having a kid, meeting her father, or loving him.”
As a Hungarian Jew who had survived the Holocaust, Howell’s dentist mother was content not to recall some events; she had her own issues with the past.
The author states, “I needed information, whether it was positive or negative, but she was really reticent.”
She preferred to look forward; going backward was not something she desired.
Howell would come to believe that she and the father of her kid were never really close, since his behavior simply made him appear more distant. Three years after awakening from a coma, Shel is photographed with her kid in 1994.
Her father, a university professor who had twice married and divorced her mother, appeared to be another distant character.
Slowly, Howell began piecing together her story by collecting memory fragments and bits of undeniable truth.
She states, “I needed to condense my life story into something I could comprehend.”
I believe I was like a detective investigating my own past since I could not locate evidence.
I was unable to locate artifacts, obtain photographs, or obtain the stories I desired from people.
So I really had to dive down and dig deep.’
Every step she took to reclaim her sense of self was arduous. Sounds and fragrances frequently prompted recall.
Her return to reading began with Where the Wild Things Are and other children’s books belonging to her daughter. “It was there,” she adds of this fundamental ability. It was somewhere under there.
The capacity to read and write was one of the talents Howell lost. Her initial attempts to relearn how to read were with children’s books. Later, while her hair was still regrowing following surgery, she is seen reading for a philosophy lesson.
Childhood memories returned faster than more recent encounters.
Howell states that important memories may not necessarily return in the manner or order that one desires.
When she read an article she had written for The Sydney Morning Herald about her teenage years in the 1970s, when a group of bikies had emerged to cause mayhem in Mosman, one set of facts resurfaced.
It was everything in black and white beneath her byline: the gang raping females, wrecking houses at parties, and distributing heroin in the suburbs.
Readers who believed Howell had damaged Mosman’s reputation had sent hate mail in response to the piece. Her father was enraged by Howell’s reporting, and a bus passenger spat on her.
She believes that several regions of the brain are involved in the process of remembering.
If you have a significant memory, it becomes firmly implanted.
Howell currently resides on the south coast of New South Wales and continues to write. In 2013, she received her doctorate in creative writing from the University of Wollongong.
The relationship between Howell and her spouse began to worsen. Once, he nearly lost their daughter, and a year later, he misplaced her on Bondi Beach.
She eventually left him, finding a new set of pals in the Bronte neighborhood of the eastern suburbs.
A postscript at the end of the book resolves a portion of the mystery surrounding Howell’s enigmatic lover, who, like other individuals in her memoir, is given a pseudonym.
Anne Howell’s book, All That I Forgot, is published by Bad Apple Press. RRP: $32.99
After the pair broke up, he moved to Indonesia and got wealthy until his world collapsed and he reentered her life.
Howell has pondered the extent to which her current knowledge of the past is the result of recovered memory versus relearning.
She explains, “I wanted people to consider how much we reproduce what we’re told and how much we recall firsthand.” Is that my family telling me about this or am I telling them?
“I’ve made it my life’s mission to sift through information fragments.
I have the impression that I created my own memories since I tried so hard to retrieve them.
Howell, who received her PhD in creative writing in 2013, resides and continues to work on the New South Wales south coast.
Now 61 years old, she still suffers from migraines, but she has no plans to quit writing and is thrilled to get her book published.
She says, ‘It’s hard to believe that happened to me, yet it’s so real to me since it altered my life forever.’
“I’m happy, I’m active, I have many friends, and life is nice.”
Anne Howell’s All That I Forgot is published by Bad Apple Press on November 1 and is available online. The suggested retail price is $32.99.
How can a person with acute amnesia compose a memoir?
Anne Howell had access to medical papers detailing her diagnosis of retrograde amnesia; nevertheless, these facts were of little assistance when she sat down to write her narrative.
During the initial phases of her recuperation, she was unable to write, and when she was finally able to do so, she did not keep a journal.
Instead, Howell has depended on her recall of events, which has strengthened over time.
She also interviewed individuals closest to her at the time and collected their accounts of the occurrences.
Howell still struggles to remember on sometimes, and she suffers from migraines on a daily basis.
In the foreword to All That If Forgot, she writes, “Still, it is my story, my version of events.”
“These events occurred and occurred to no one else in the manner in which I document them.”
I have not attempted to remain faithful to the actual timeline; my memories came back to me significantly more slowly and erratically than in my reenactment of the events.
Sometimes I have filled in the blanks and portrayed events with greater certainty and precision than they actually occurred.