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11 p.m., and my phone is chirping. My ex text messages me.
Tuesday? reads the text. “Could you stay over, and we could have breakfast in the morning?”
My ex and I ended our relationship over a year and a half ago, yet texts like this are not uncommon. We are not inviting each other over to hook up or for any other sexual or romantic purpose; rather, we are planning platonic sleepovers.
In my late teens or early twenties, I stopped having platonic sleepovers. When I was in my early 40s and organizing sleepovers with my ex, I had abandoned those nights of giggling with best friends.
yearning for contact
During our relationship, my ex-partner introduced me to the concept of skin hunger, sometimes known as touch famine. Skin hunger is the desire for physical contact and touch.
Humans are hardwired for physical connection; for example, new parents are recommended to have a lot of skin-to-skin contact with their kids to help them regulate their temperature. Touch is still beneficial for adults; it helps relieve stress, regulate sleep, and strengthen the immune system.
Though I was unfamiliar with the term, I was extremely familiar with skin hunger. I have frequently gone to a massage appointment and been on the verge of tears, recognizing how long it had been since I had experienced lengthy touch. At other moments, when I’ve been missing my buddies, the yearning for a hug from them has been almost unbearable.
When my ex and I broke up and I returned to living on my own, I realized how much I missed the daily interaction that accompanied a long-term live-in relationship. I grew really skin-hungry and realized I desperately needed platonic connection.
Understanding our needs
Through fairy tales and love comedies, our culture inculcates us with the notion that our romantic partner should be our everything, our other half. However, this is not a reasonable assumption. I do not believe it is reasonable to expect a single individual to fulfill all our requirements.
The older I’ve become, the more I’ve learned how crucial it is for us to be aware of our own needs and desires and to strive to fulfill them.
I recognize that I am a touch-dependent individual who takes great solace in hugs and embraces from someone with whom I feel close and comfortable. My ex is one of these individuals.
While my ex and I have concluded that we are not compatible as romantic partners at this time, we are also aware that there are many other ways to interact. In addition to regularly conversing and sharing our lives, getting pedicures once a month, and eating delicious meals, we bond through platonic touch.
Even though it may be unconventional, spending sleepovers with my ex has been a fantastic, happy, and satisfying method for me to meet my basic need for touch. There is no additional strain or expectation. I may be held by someone with whom I feel comfortable, who cares for me, and whom I care for. Even though not everyone understands this, it works for us.
So when I receive a text message, I respond “Thank you! I will provide baked oats “Pack your pajamas in a bag and eagerly anticipate a sleepover.